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Below are 20 journal entries, after skipping by the 20 most recent ones recorded in Lin Christianson's LiveJournal:

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Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
11:21 pm
Bina just totally did the last bit of my pilates DVD with me before bed.

Current Mood: amused
7:16 am
So, I have a bit of a My Little Pony collection.  With about zero interest in anything that came out after 1992.
And Bina loves them!!
She plays with them all day, making them talk to each other, prancing them all over the place,
and last night when she went to bed, she had them all lined up by her pillow and because she's so young that none of the ponies have names yet, she pointed to each and said goodnight to them by colour.
"N'-night, Blue, Ni'night, Baby Pink, Ni'night, yellow..." and so on.

Every time I get a package in the mail, she gets all excited and says
"Pony?!  Pony?!"
And I tightly braid each one's hair and fasten it before I give it to her so the hair won't get frayed and ruined.  No matter what adventures she takes them on.

I love my Bina.  It feels so good to share this with her.
Even if I'm hiding away "Baby Princess Sparkle" in my desk until she turns 5. :)
Friday, March 5th, 2010
8:38 pm
I just watched the latest episode of The Office.  (the last couple episodes.  Didn't realize it had started up again until today. lol)

Anyway, seeing Pam struggle to breastfeed was kinda hard for me.  But when it just sort of magically worked for them was too much.  I never got that.  And that chaos and uncertainty and feelings of inadequacy just escalated in addition to sleep deprivation, Bina's colic, acid reflux, and the ear problem we had no way of knowing about and none of her pediatricians ever caught.

You do not know self loathing until you bring a life into the world, and it's miserable, and you can't help it.  It's hungry and screaming, and even though you forsake your every need and suffer real physical pain crying out in agony, and exhaustion to the point that your body begins literally to shut down, because the needs of your child do not stop and the day bleeds into the night and into the next day and on with no end in sight... all of this.  And none of it seems to make any difference at all.
She's still screaming.  She's still miserable.  She's still hungry.
And even though nothing you do can make her sleep, or nurse right, the screaming doesn't stop and it's a siren constantly reminding you that you're a failure at motherhood, that you never should have tried, and now you've dragged an innocent young life into your horrible mistake.

Sometimes.. often in fact, I don't feel like a 'real' mother.
The house is always a mess, I don't make any plans for dinner, my kids get a bath maybe twice a week, sometimes less.  I only do laundry about once a month.
And on one hand, I know that there's a lot more to being a mother than these things, but at the same time they need to get done, and I feel like there's something wrong with me because when I try to do all these things, I just end up completely fried and angry at everyone, and it's a mess again tomorrow anyway.  I don't have the strength to keep up with it, and I feel like everybody else who has kids... does.  And my kids deserve that, and they should have a mother who can do those things, and be normal.

Anyway, I started to cry and Oliver was holding me, and Bina walked in and said "you okay, Mommy?  You want a blanket?  You want some milk?"  And she hugged me and told me it's okay, and she totally went and got me a blanket, and asked Oliver to help her get me a glass of milk.

My baby girl... who spent most of the day in the hospital... was taking care of me.
So I may not be Super Mom, not by any stretch, but my babies and my husband love me.
And I think I feel better.
I'm just gonna keep doing the best I can.  Nobody can expect more than that.  And if I do nothing else for my children, I know that they are learning to be kind and sympathetic.  They are also strong, solid, remarkable healthy, and intelligent and imaginative, regardless of being raised on formula. 
I'm not going to stop feeling inadequate, but if my kids keep going the direction they're going, I can deal with that.
5:49 pm
Bina got her front teeth fixed today.  She got Daddy's teeth apparently.  Now we know, we're gonna have to watch out for that and make sure she learns how to take good care of her teeth.
They drilled the back of her four front teeth and put baby caps on them for protection.  We were concerned they might look weird, but I actually like it.  You can't tell they're caps at all, they just look like regular baby teeth.
But Bina is loop-y!
Oh my gosh, Bina is normally entertaining anyway, but Bina + loopy hospital meds = hilarious.
Oliver said while they were still at the hospital, Bina was drinking some apple juice, and she suddenly realized she wasn't wearing any pants (which she's usually pretty happy about), and got all kinds of upset until Oliver got out her pants and laid them on top of her legs.
When I gave her a popsicle, one of the sticks was broken and she looked at it for a second and said
"You broke it, Bina!  'M out!" (meaning "time out").  And I laughed and stroked her hair out of her face and told her, nono, Bina didn't break it, no time out.
And earlier she spilled apple juice all over her bed and got confused when she tried to lie down and found out it was wet. 
Then there's the laugh.
You know the laugh that happens when she's talking to you and then it's quiet for a second, and her head tilts back and she blinks slowly and then laughs for no reason.

She's coming around really well though.  She had about 6 popsicles and a couple cups of pudding.  They said she shouldn't have anything solid for a while.  Now she's managed to get over the gate to the upstairs and start rummaging around up there.  You know she's regained some coordination to be able to pull that off.

For the first half of the day, it was mostly just me and Baby Brother.  He's a sweet boy.
At some point, he was tired and playing with the measuring spoons on the floor.  So he just plopped his head right down on the floor and watched the spoons and he swirled them around on the floor.  I never knew babies could be so mellow.  I even cut his hair when he fell asleep.
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010
6:04 pm
Friday, February 26th, 2010
2:18 am
Ok, my baby just totally giggled in his sleep.

Current Mood: giggly
1:36 am
When Oliver was out getting groceries he found these two stick horses.  Almost like they were intended to go home to a brother and sister.


I added the red medieval banner stuff and the armored head piece.  I thought it might balance out the girly eyes.  Like, the horse may be a girl, but it's the jousting mount for a little boy.  I dunno.
The blue horn is part of the armor, the horse doesn't have one.
I keep thinking of adding some flowered trim to Bina's unicorn, but I'm a little afraid it'd just get ripped off. lol
They both make cute galloping noises and whinny when they're done.  I like it, it's not an in-your-face kind of noise.

I know Oliver got them because he feels bad about the house.
The babies love them.
I enjoyed making over the brown horse.
They've made the last two days a little more light-hearted.
Even baby brother bobs up and down to the galloping noise and smiles.
12:21 am
Tonight we watched some old movie called Clash of the Titans, I think. 
It was about Perseus and stuff.  We all know the story.
Anyway, I have never seen Bina so upset by a movie character getting injured than she did tonight over Bubo the clockwork owl.
The demon guy snapped it with his whip, and it fell in the water and Bina reached out her hand and said
"Oh no, Who!"  (All owls are called 'who')  And ran into her bedroom, crying.
Oliver had seen the movie before and knows the owl makes it out okay, so we told her the 'who' would be right back, but he's in the tub right now.
That seemed to go over well.
Even later, when the owl got smashed into a rock by the kracken, and it kind of fumbled around comicly and shook its head and blinked its eyes from being punch-drunk, she asked
"You okay, Who?"

Baby brother is getting better at walking.  And last week, I swear the first thing he did when he woke up was say "Mama."
He also likes it when Oliver hides under a blanket, and he comes along and peeks under it to find him.
He loves peoples' mouths and sometimes tries to give us his pacifier.
He's a lot more snuggly than Bina was as an infant.  Once, when he was tired and fussy, I was just holding him and swaying back and forth watching the tv, and I leaned my head against his.
By the time I pulled my head away, he came with it, fast asleep!

Most people have heard by now, Oliver got the job we've all been praying for and he starts in about a week and a half.
We also thought we found the perfect house and got pre-approved, and the government would more or less have given us the down payment for being first-time home buyers as long as we do it before April, and we even made an offer on it, but by the time we'd both slept on it, we agreed we needed to cool it and not buy a house right away.  Even if it is perfect, and well within our price range, and apparantly so awesome its never had to be on the market before, because all the previous owners have gone right up and rang the doorbell and said
"I love your house, and if you would ever consider selling it, please call me."  And they do.  Yeah.
We've both been pretty put-out about it the last two days.  We know we did the right thing, it feels right.  It's just not fun, or easy.  I keep telling Oliver I'll get over it.
Meantime, I really don't think I want to talk about it.  It'll just make me depressed.

But I am so very grateful for my two beautiful children, a sweet devoted husband, and this new job that will provide for our little family.
Some day we'll have our own place.  In the meantime, we're really blessed to have a great family that has let us stay here while Oliver was out of work and no one was hiring anywhere.
I have so much to be grateful for, I feel guilty being so broken up over that house.
But if you saw it, you'd understand.
It helps that Baby Brother was super cute and happy today.
I wish that when he gets older, and grows out of it, I could keep his cuteness in a jar, but I guess that's what video cameras are for.
Now where'd the charger for that thing go?
Monday, February 22nd, 2010
2:25 am
Sunday, February 21st, 2010
3:41 pm
Well, she did it. It was bound to happen sooner or later. Today at church, Bina ran from the back of the chapel all the way up to the stand.
Friday, February 12th, 2010
3:46 pm




Sunday, February 7th, 2010
10:32 pm
It's official!  Baby Boy is walkin!

Now, Bina took her first deliberate steps when she just barely turned 9 months, and Baby Brother is taking them with one week left of his 9th month.  But he's taking more, consecutively.  He'll get up to almost four steps before he falls, and Bina, ambitious as she is, would take just one step as soon as she could take it, and slowly learned to add more from there.

Both walkin at nine months!  I'm so proud of my babies!
Thursday, February 4th, 2010
11:36 pm
Bina loves My Little Ponies.  She picked one out at the thrift store today that was a knock-off, but from the same mold as the newborn twins from the 80s.
I filled in some of the hair, wiped the cheap paint off the eyes with nailpolish remover, and painted in some new ones that are more like the originals.  Then I painted in a symbol on either side, and sealed it with a little varnish.
I know there are experts out there at this sort of thing, and I am not one of them.
But I'm pleased with how it turned out.
And Bina likes it too. :)
Tuesday, February 2nd, 2010
9:14 pm
If Bina breaks/destroys/demolishes, or ruins just one more thing, I think I might tear us both to shreds.

Current Mood: furious
Tuesday, January 26th, 2010
6:25 pm
Baby Brother took a step!!

Current Mood: excited
Friday, January 15th, 2010
2:40 am
I was just looking at some old pictures of myself when I was little.
Yup.  Baby brother has my eyes.
Monday, January 11th, 2010
12:33 am
Baby Brother just woke up screaming and we couldn't get him to go back down with a bottle.
I wrapped him up in the dragon blanket from Brad and Shelly, turned on my Old English Hymns CD, and slowly made up some contra-dancing steps, and rocked him around the living room.  The Christmas tree is still up, the light from the star on top was comforting.  I swayed back and forth, by a suit of armor, an antique stove on stonework, unicorn tapestry, sofas.. like I lived in a fairytale among all these comforting things I've collected and worked on with my own hands to turn our house into our little dream castle.  Soon, my son lay asleep in my arms.
I was so depressed just moments ago.  And now I feel like I have Heaven in my living room.
I knew, even before I was pregnant, that I would have this boy, and that by just being who he is, he would bring this feeling to me and comfort me in darker moments of my life, -just like he's been doing all along.  The little angel over my shoulder comforting me, and cheering me on.  He dances when I sing, he sleeps when I rock him.  He smiles when I laugh.  He reaches for me and rubs his head on my shoulder, and I know he loves me.
I knew if I could get him here, he would be my little knight in shining armor.  He would be a friend to his sister, teach his father to be an example, and continue to be that light and comfort to me more than ever before.
Honey Bee, I don't know what the future holds for us, but tonight I was grateful to rock you to sleep.
Saturday, January 9th, 2010
9:02 pm
We have a baby gate up now, just in front of the stairs.
Tonight, Oliver opened the gate, and Baby Brother saw it, and his little face lit up and he started bookin' it for the stairs like a little sea turtle to the ocean.
Cutest thing ever. :)
1:12 pm
Bina just brought me a larger black button and said
"Coraline!"

Current Mood: amused
12:00 am
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